(named for the Lana Del Rey song running through my head)
It’s been a few months since I last wrote about my adventures.
A lot has happened.
For starters, my search for work ended at the start of February. I went back to work after six months and love my new endeavor. The people are nice and I’m afforded personal effects at my desk (including several Uglydolls and a stuffed chicken – the chicken is my mascot).
I don’t miss radio and the drama that comes with it.
Secondly, I got engaged to the love of my life. I know, I know, I’ve been married before.
People have asked me how this different than before. I’m more mature and settled than I was in my late 20s/planning a wedding. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t gotten married. I feel tainted in a way. Like, I shouldn’t enjoy this love I have in my life as much as I do. I feel guilty when I shouldn’t. I don’t know if that’s common in a second marraige (when the first lasted less than two years).
Thirdly, my Dad’s tumors have returned. They’re growing and moving. We literally have no idea how long he has or the scope of the damage. He’ll re-scan in July and then they’ll decide on a course of chemo.
I realize this is a part of life, but I’m not ready for my Dad to go yet. My parents have been a stable place for much of my unstable life. My Dad and I spent what amounts to years discussing movies, music, and politics. It seems unfair that he, who is a good man who never left my Mom’s side when she was ill during my childhood, should suffer while other (lesser) men get to roll through life scott-free.
Maybe all of this makes me a narcissist. Maybe it all makes me a grown-up. I don’t miss my days of partying and being a general mess.
I like my life the way it is and the people that are in it. After I hit the delete button on a series of toxic folks, I got a few Facebook messages asking why. It’s quite simple: you didn’t see fit to spare my feelings at some point, so therefore you don’t get to enjoy my successes or interfere now.
I need positive energy surrounding me, not ghosts from the past.