Everything Hits At Once

Time to get real/be honest:

I cried myself to sleep for the first time in about three months last night. I woke up this morning with a nasty headache (note to self – stop doing that, to quote a co-worker).

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

I guess I consented because, last night, I felt very stupid. Not remotely surprised, but stupid. I found out yet another man I cared for used me and lied to me (“I don’t want any romantic entanglements and I won’t.”) No, just NOT with me he didn’t. I didn’t warrant anything more in his eyes than plying me with drinks to take advantage of me, yet another woman gets dinner at a pricey restaurant and plastered all over Facebook.

It’s funny – I had a conversation with a friend about how Facebook can make us feel awesome or really terrible at the same time with the stroke of the mouse. We’re all entirely too nosy these days.

I started deleting/blocking again. I can choose to talk to or associate with whoever I want to. I need to keep cutting these assholes out of my life until they become as non-existent as their feelings for me.

The truth of the matter is this man was described to me, from the outset, as “trouble,” an “angry drunk,” and just plain mean. People I trust, who do have my back, told me these things. Case in point, he called me fat and an embarassment. He would drunkenly pick on my appearance, but tell me I was amazing in the same 20 minutes. It was extremely unhealthy. Yet, my self-esteem was so screwy at the time, I thought that’s the best I could do. Plus, I had no idea what I wanted.

I guess I should feel relieved. It’s hard – I can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt. It shouldn’t – he’s a bastard of the highest order and treated me horribly. But, I’m guilty of allowing it for too long. I’m also guilty of believing (again) he’d come to his senses.

I was being used because of my connections and what I had to offer in terms of press coverage. That’s been heretofore banished.

I support those who support me and it’s clear this person never did for anything more than drunkenly begging me for sex in the middle of the night and acting jealous around my male friends.

I can also choose to keep feeling bad and stupid. Or I can choose not.

I am going to try the latter…I was doing so well doing things for myself and focusing on my own goals and happiness. I need to return to that.

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About DevonD29

This is a spot where I muse about life, roller derby, running, and whatever else strikes my fancy.
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